What's It Like?

Friends and family frequently ask "How are you doing?" Sometimes a person says, "How are you REALLY doing?" indicating a desire to know more than "OK, We're hanging in. It's been a good week. It's been a rough week." 

Shalissa Lindsay suggests asking instead, "What's it like ...?" 

"The questions “How are you doing” or, “how are you REALLY doing?” implied that Anne [has multiple sclerosis] might be in a needy, struggling place ... [and we know the person likely is; that's why we're asking] So how can you allow them to open up without prying?"

"The question “What’s it like [to have MS]?” empowered Anne to share her hard-won expertise on a difficult subject. Because the inquiry focused on the external environment, instead of Anne’s individual coping, it felt more supportive and less judgmental. It also conveyed intellectual humility, desire to learn, and the assumption that the listening friend would benefit and be enriched by Anne’s perspective.

Consider how rephrasing these commonly asked questions makes them easier to answer:

How are you doing on the job search?

What’s it like to search for a job these days?

How are you doing in your new school?

What’s it like to be the new kid? What’s your new school like?

How are you getting along with your new family?
What’s it like to adjust to a blended family?

How are you doing? Recovering well?

What’s it like to recover from this type of surgery?

–what it’s like to place a parent in hospice?

–what’s it like to parent with peanut allergies?

–what’s it like to have family in the military?

–what’s it like to go through Christmas for the first time without your spouse?"

I've been thinking about how Joe and I would answer "What's it like...?"

"How are you doing?" Joe usually answers "Fantastic!" That doesn't enable him to share his experiences with Parkinson's. 

"How are you doing?" Depending on the day, I might say, "I'm really tired or it's been a tough week  or we're hanging in there - but Joe's maintaining his wonderful attitude." Where would that conversation go compared to "What's it like to have caregivers in your home?" What's it like to have a spouse with Parkinson's?"

I'm going to ponder this and see if it feels right, loving, and supportive to ask a question this way. 

Read the whole post here. 

image from pixabay.com